The sermon began and it was a great sermon about not being consumed by worldly "things." They are all just things that you cannot take with you and that you need to have your hands open to GOD. At the end of the sermon the pastor asked "To spend 2 minutes before we go into the hustle and bustle of the day and reflect."
I sat in the pew with my husband by my side and closed my eyes. I have never asked to see Sterling. Not once….I am not sure why. As I sat in the pew I asked GOD to see Sterling. No sooner than I said the words in my head.
I was there.
In Heaven.
There was no time to daydream about what I wanted it to look like or what I wanted to see or do. I asked to see Sterling and GOD took me there. In an instant. I feel like I was barely able to say the words in my head before I was there in Heaven looking at two of the many people I love with all I am.
I did not see color. I saw my beloved Grandmother standing and looking at me like she did my entire life with those loving, twinkling and comforting eyes that I miss tremendously. Next to her was my son, Sterling Michael. Real as we are talking to each other in person. We were all standing so close we could of touched each other and it felt like we were actually all together.
Sterling looked just like I have dreamed about for 6 years. He was about the same size of Addyson and had blond-brownish hair. His hair was cut just like Aaron's used to be when he was little. He was identical to his daddy. This is what I saw…..
When I look at this picture I honestly don't see Aaron, my husband. I see my son Sterling who I have not seen since he was a baby.
It was like I was dreaming only I knew I wasn't. It felt like a dream, you know the ones you have that feel so real that you wake up and have to actually sit and think….Is this real or not? The ones that kind of leave you in a fog for a few hours wondering, thinking and trying to think back.
It was the most unusual thing. I knew I was sitting in church. I knew I was awake. But, I was not there all at the same time. This all took place over the time span of seconds. I think.
When I saw Sterling, I did not cry and hug him and tell him how much I have missed him like I have imagined myself doing when I get to heaven. I've imagined running to him crying and begging him to forgive me for not being with him. When you have a child that has passed there is a burning horrible mommy guilt. It's a guilt that is different from all others.
Instead it was like I have always seen him. It was though I had never missed a day with him. As soon as I saw him. I knew him and he knew I was his mommy. So comforting to my heart and soul.
I have been thinking a lot about our tombstones. The beginning year - and ending year. What does the - mean? What do I want it to mean? I don't want it to just be a -. I want it to mean something. When I was in heaven it made sense the - was only a blink of time it felt like. It literally felt like a second.
I immediately said to my grandmother, Julia "Why am I only seeing you?" I guess I had imagined that I would see everyone at one time. As soon as I asked the question. I watched Sterling run down a hill to a beautiful flowing river, just like the Arkansas River in Salida with the big rocks, boulders and sparkling water. He ran right down the hill to Aaron's grandfather, Bud (my railroader) who was fishing on the river and lovingly latched onto his leg. He latched on like he was always there. As soon as I saw that my heart and soul felt a relief. A relief that I knew that my baby was okay. That my baby was not missing me and crying for me (a mother's worst nightmare). That my baby Sterling was loved and surrounded by people who would love him and cherish him. I did not panic when he ran down the hill. I actually reflect on lovingly watching him run down the hill.
I wanted to stay there but, at the same time I started to realize that I was in church. I wanted to stay but, knew I could not. I wanted to stay but, then the worldly view came in and I knew what was coming. My pain from this world. My pain that I live with everyday…every single moment of my life. The pain of burying my child. The pain of going from a beautiful baby shower to picking a casket. The pain of people asking me "How many children do I have?" and feeling guilt no matter which way I answer. The pain of missing him in this world. The pain of missing his first day of school. The pain of him needing mommy snuggles. The pain of hearing his name from others named Sterling. The pain of seeing 6 year old boys and trying not to stare but at the same time imagining that could be my son. The pain of not being able to be patient. The pain of not trusting and believing like I know I need to….like I was taught. The pain of not knowing my story that GOD purposely, beautifully, carefully and intentionally wrote just for me.
I started to cry. I started to cry a cry I had not cried for a long long time. While everyone had their heads bowed I was frozen in disbelief and wanting more but, not being able to handle more. I wanted desperately to run out of church but, I could physically not move. I just sat there next to my husband and muffled my tears into the tissues.
This experience has done so much for me on so many levels. It actually gave my hope. The hope that I am not missing my son's life. The hope that it is just a blink of an eye. The hope that he knows me in heaven. But, most importantly the hope that there is a bigger plan. Bigger and more incredible than anything I could ever even imagine. I am truly humbled that GOD loves me so much that he meets me where I am and loves me just as I am. If I could of dreamed what it would be like the first time I saw Sterling. I could not of dreamed of anything that beautiful, that's how I am sure and how I know. If I could of imagined anything like that. That would of been exactly what I would of wanted to see.
As I have reflected back on this story…….there is so much more.